A Guide To Spending A Day Doing Bugger-All.

Okay, I could get used to this....

As you may (or may not) have inferred, I have been intending to pop in the occasional post loosely based around the seven deadly sins, although you may (or may not) have noticed that my first post on that subject was actually entitled Original Sin - which is something else entirely.  Still, I never claimed to be much of a theologian.  Rampant heathen, yes.  Atheist? Yes.  On my less bolshy days, a bit of an agnostic.  But having not had to do RE at school because my mum successfully campaigned to have the school's curriculum changed when she heard I was going to have to choose between "Learning Catholic" and "Learning Protestant" aged 6, my knowledge of things religious is somewhat shaky in places.  So apologies for that.

Meanwhile, however, it has come to my attention that all three posts (including this one) which could fall under the title of the deadly sins have been on the subject of Sloth.  For someone whose bum barely touches a cushion during daylight hours, this is a little shocking.  I had better get working on some others, I think.  I bet I can give gluttony a run for its money...

ANYWAY.  As I am now on my third day this year of spending some time sitting on my backside on my sofa, I am beginning to feel a degree of expertise.  All right, so the first one - fish murder day - was only an hour or so, but still...  I know, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing (as is a day on the sofa, if you are a fish - ooh, for many reasons, come to thing about it - but I digress), however I do feel it would be helpful if I were to impart this small knowledge, and enable us all to share the danger equally.  After all, you, too, may some day be forced to spend a morning, an afternoon, or a full day doing bugger all, and, like me, you may not know where to start.

So here is my guide to A Successful Day On The Sofa.

It is intensely irritating, once you have decided to spend a day on the sofa, to have to get up from the sofa at any point.  These relaxation-interruptions can not always be helped - the postie may arrive with another delivery of Zumbawear, for example, or you may have to answer a call of nature.  However, with a little foresight and planning, these irritations can be minimised.

First, it is necessary to consider the length of time for which you plan to remain sofa-bound.  An hour requires relatively little planning - you may require nothing more than a remote control and a light blanket.  The full marathon, however, will take a lot more commitment.

While I accept that some of my personal sofa day essentials may not suit you, and may indeed be positively surplus to your requirements, there are some things which are essential to any good sofa day.  I will begin with these.

1. Sofa.  Don't let me lose you at point one, in fear of being patronised.  This may seem obvious.  Indeed, it IS obvious.  But while most of us HAVE a sofa (or futon or other comfy chair/bench/window seat/sun lounger), sometimes a whole potential sofa day can be frittered away standing up in the kitchen avoiding tidying up.  You may mock, but be warned - it can happen.  So if you are planning a sofa day, make sure you Sit On Your Sofa, or you will get to late afternoon and look back with regret on those wasted hours.  The kitchen will still be there and messy half an hour before you really need to do something or go somewhere, but if you confine it to that half hour, you will get it tidy in no time, rather than allowing it to impinge on your valuable sofa time.
2. Blanket.  Warmth.  'Nuff said.
3. Remote controls.  Yes.  Telly is an important part of a sofa day, if only to remind you (unless you are lucky enough to stumble across reruns of Quantum Leap or Dallas - Sofa Day gold!) how crap daytime telly is and how blessed you are not to have to watch it 360 days or so of the year.  You may have the television on as background, or it may be your main focus.  You may even just have it on quietly to mask the sound of the outside world and allow you to sleep - in which case I highly recommend channel 671 - Create & Craft.  The sound level stays nice and calm and even, there's no shouting, they don't suddenly switch to loud adverts or noisy kids' TV, there's little risk that it will engage your attention sufficiently to keep you awake and you really won't miss anything if you fall asleep.  It's perfect.  Whether your TV is on all the time, or you don't plan to switch it on at all, you NEED not to have to get up to find the remote in case of emergency TV requirements, so have it close at hand.  
4. Drink.  It is very easy to become dehydrated when snuggled under a duvet in a centrally heated room, and you must look after your health.  I recommend a pint glass of iced water.  While keeping hydrated is important, you don't want to accidentally down a full pint of water in one, and find yourself having to keep hopping up to go to the loo, so a fair bit of ice in there will slow you down and keep filling the glass for you, as the ice melts in your nice warm room.
5. Companions.  Preferably not humans, as they may want to talk, watch shouty telly, or just not do exactly what you want to do at the precise moment that you want to do it.  A very relaxed dog is ideal - see fig 1 - or a cat, but it must be a cat who is happy to sit on you - and this is important - IF YOU WANT IT TO, and equally happy to go away and not bother you.  
6. Phone.  Essential in case it rings or in case you think of something fatuous you simply must text to your best friend immediately.
7. Laptop.  This is potentially a grey area.  For me, I neeeeed contact with the outside world.  I may need to check urgent facebook stati, or inform the world that I have just coughed.  There may be an urgent requirement to Look Something Up - this can be very important.  I may have thought of half a quote and need the rest of it, or need to know who said it.  I may need to see whether it is still possible to buy vintage hat blocks.  Or check wither the new Zumbawear line is out (okay, look, it's an affliction and an addiction - I'm working on it).  Often, I will have just thought of a potential dish, and need to look up a recipe (or six) either to see how other people make it, or to see whether anyone has ever done it before.  And of course I may have the urge to post a little blogette or type up a new recipe.  * A side note on this one - while it is essential to have your laptop within easy reach, it is desirable NOT to have your purse and/or credit card handy.  While spending a Day On The Sofa, you may find that you become extremely relaxed.  This can lead to reduced defences leading to leaving the safety catch off your wallet, and the resultant purchase of all sorts of crap you really didn't need - this is a side-effect of having Create & Craft on the telly, so be warned that this channel should only be approached as suggested in point 2 - as a background for sleeping.  Under no circumstances should you attempt to watch it and stay awake, with credit card within easy reach.  You could end up with, for example, a full quilting kit complete with electric rotary cutter and free bobbin sidewinder for a mere £500, or 5000 glass topped straight pins for £16.95.  No, this hasn't happened to me, but it's been a damned close run thing a couple of times.  As a guide, if you can't be arsed to leave your sofa to get your credit card, you don't need the object you are currently desirous of.  Ooh, I said the laptop was a grey area.  If your workplace are likely to try to contact you via your laptop, or you are likely to get involved in some form of work which you do not enjoy, you may want to leave your laptop, at the very least, jusssst out of reach.
8. Slippers.  Required.  End of.

 

Fig 1 - relaxed dog.

Now we get into my more specific necessities, some of which you may find useful.  Some of which you may find pointless, irritating or stupid.  It's a risk I'm prepared to take for the advancement of the pleasurable sofa day.  This is what I have to hand today:

Fig 2 - feet

1. Camera.  In case you need to take photos of your Sofa Companions, feet (see fig 2), general surroundings, or you suddenly remember that you need to download photos and send them to everyone you know, post them on facebook, play with them in photoshop or just plain blog the beggars.  So don't forget item:
2. Camera's USB cable.  Without which you can't download any photos which you can't resist taking.
3. Ice-pack.  For injured thigh.  You probably won't be spending a day on the sofa because you've torn your hamstring, but the principle is sound.  There is probably a good reason for your sofa day.  If you have a cold, you will require whatever medicine and potions you're relying on.  If you've ricked your neck, make sure your nice warm wheat-filled neck-thang is ready.  If you're keeping a sick child company - forget it, you'll be up and down like a whore's drawers anyway.  It's surprisingly easy to forget the very remedy for the reason for which you're spending a day on the sofa in the first place, and have all sorts of entertainments at hand but not your one essential thing.  Of course, you may just be indulging yourself in a lazy day - in which case, fair play to ye.
4. Workbox/Sewing basket.  Mine is an art deco oak freestanding thing at perfect sofa height, which is handy, as I don't need to lean over to rummage in it.  I bought it from a junk shop in 1996, assuming it was rubbish but thinking it might be rather useful.  At the time, it was covered with white gloss paint and lined with extremely threadbare padded green silk satin. After much stripping and an inordinate amount of swearing (no children in those days, luckily for their little vocabularies), plus re-padding and lining, it is now 'ansom and an essential part of my sofa day, if just for rummaging and reminiscing.
5. Craft materials.  Currently I am surrounded by about seven big bags of combed merino wool tops for needle-felting, plus needle-felting mat and needles, offcuts of hand-made wet felted felt, machine felt and some odds of acrylic fleece, as I'm going to see whether you can needle-felt onto fleece.  I figure that's enough craft stuff to keep me going for today.
6. Very pretty notebook and pen.  Why have an ugly notebook and pen when you can have a pretty one?  As that interiors boffin William Morris said, have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.  As that idiot me said, if it's both, all the better.  I may not actually use the notebook and pen, but it's relaxing to have it nearby.
7. Sketchbook and pencils, in case the Sofa Companions get themselves into a sketchable position, or anything else suddenly needs drawing.
8. Book.  I can't go anywhere or do anything without a book.  The idea of being on a train without a book fills me with a nameless dread and makes my blood run cold.  Usually it would be a novel, but today it's The Three Hungry Boys, an excellent new cookbook subtitled "How to catch, trap, forage and generally blag your way to survival in the wild."  Good, eh?!  Recommended.
9. Script, ruler and highlighter.  There's a readthrough of the village summer play tonight, so a bit of girly swotting may be required.

Felt offcuts

Other stuff

So there it is - my guide to a perfect day on the sofa, should the opportunity arise and the desire hit you at the same time.

Damn.  I forgot to pack myself a picnic.  I'm going to have to get up and make myself some lunch.

Sigh.