I wish I knew what it is about rain that gets the worms all fired up. It's possibly as simple as the fact that the ground is a lot slipperier than usual. Whatever it is, come a good downpour, all the worms in the world seem to feel an insurmountable urge to take on epic journeys above ground. This morning's ghastly shower prompted just such a pilgrimage-yen in the local worm population. The particular walk I took His Royal Hairiness on this morning includes a bridleway which is reasonably well travelled by dogwalkers, cyclists, horses and deer. It therefore definitely does not constitute a safe place for a young worm to saunter about.
For as long as I can remember, the sight of worms above ground, desperately attempting to get from A to B, has provoked an insuperable reaction in me. I have to help them. They seem so earnest in their desire to get somewhere else, and I can't bear the thought of them being crushed under foot, paw, wheel, hoof etc. And I'm always worried they'll drown. There are few sadder sights on the average dog walk than a drowned worm, all white, swollen and flaccid.
Sometimes you don't get there in time.
Rivalled only by a worm who has dried out in the sun. Tragic, I tell 'ee. I do accept that I may be on my own here....
I don't want to come across all grandiose, chaps, but I have long suspected that I am probably some kind of vermicular goddess, hailed by worms as their saviour in troubled times, fabled, whispered about after dark, and used to frighten little worms when they're not eating all their soil up.
This morning alone, I potentially saved the lives of over 40 worms. Yes. I know *smiles serenely, and, admittedly, a little self-satisfiedly.* I will allow you time to digest this truly awesome information, as I know it's a lot to take on board in one go. While you're digesting, I'm going to take a couple of bows and soak up the applause.
What? You're not impressed?!
Oh. Well, it really IS just me, then.
If you are the one person out there who IS impressed, and who would like to join me in being a worm god or goddess, here are some things to bear in mind when Rescuing Worms. You do, after all, want to be a force for good and not for evil.
First, ascertain that you are indeed looking at a worm:
Beware of imposters - in this case, sticks.
Next, when you have espied what does indeed prove to be a worm in a vulnerable position - such as worming its way across an expose path or marooned on an island of mud in the middle of a puddle - do not just jump in and thoughtlessly hurl it into the bushes.
Stop. Observe. Think.
Which way is the worm heading?! AHA! You see how easy it would be to become the scourge of the worm world, rather than the saviour? You want to cause conversations like this:
"Hey, Barney - you'll never guess what! I was in a bit of trouble out in The Open earlier. It was a lot further to The Other Place than I thought, and there were seas forming all around me. I'd already narrowly avoided being trampled by some big 'uge thing - no idea what it was - and I could 'ear something thumping towards me. Well, blow me, I was suddenly 'oisted into the air! I thought my number was up, mate, I won't lie to you, and was expecting the cruel chomp of a sharp beak any second, but the next thing I knew, I'd been set down PRECISELY where I had been trying to go! I know, BRILLIANT, eh? Must 'ave been some kinda Worm Goddess, or something, I reckon!"
(I suspect that most worms have trouble with their aspirants, by the way)
Rather than like this:
"Ere, did you 'ear what 'appened to Marilyn?! She was doing the old Journey, you know the one, and she'd ALMOST made it, when some ruddy great big mysterious force come down and plonked 'er RIGHT back where she started! Back to square one! So she 'ad to start all over again, and 'alf way across second time 'round, she only bleedin' went and drowned, poor cow."
Worm heading East
Worm heading West
"Terrible what happened to Alistair, wasn't it? Oh, you didn't hear? He was doing His Journey, when something Moved him. Celestine said he was left right out in the open and before he had chance to get to cover, a sodding great blackbird had swooped down and whisked him away. Mind you, did you hear about the time when Ginger got Moved? He was left right up on top of a dandelion! Gave him dreadful vertigo and he threw his earth up everywhere before he managed to wriggle his way off."
So, put the worm a) where the worm wants to be, b) under cover and c) on the ground.
Worms everywhere will thank you. The very earth itself will thank you.
A kindred spirit! :) xox
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